Winter Weather Alert

(Name of your town) News: If you are inside right now then it is advised you do not go out. There have been reports of ICES in our town. First they were spotted on our bridges, now ICES have gotten to our roads. For those that still plan on leaving their houses, the only gun that will work on ICES is a salt rifle. Also, watch out for black ICES which are known to be more dangerous than regular ICES. Stay tuned for more updates.

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Newspaper Clipping

• Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
• Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
• Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
• Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
• Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
• Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
• Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.