Newspaper Clipping

• Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
• Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
• Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
• Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
• Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
• Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
• Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

• Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Winter Weather Alert

(Name of your town) News: If you are inside right now then it is advised you do not go out. There have been reports of ICES in our town. First they were spotted on our bridges, now ICES have gotten to our roads. For those that still plan on leaving their houses, the only gun that will work on ICES is a salt rifle. Also, watch out for black ICES which are known to be more dangerous than regular ICES. Stay tuned for more updates.