Kewl Job Application!
NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
- SALARY: Less than I'm worth
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
- REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?: The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
Real Classified Ads 1
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK + BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."
Speakers for a Sociopath
Are you single? Family and friend free? Scorned by your neighbors? Now you can be! Alienate them completely by playing your shitty mixtape at full volume all the fucking time.
Sick of the neighbor kid who plays the same shitty top-40 R&B mix tape every morning at 6 when she (or he, I'm not sexist) wakes up for school? Fulfill your fantasies of becoming a modern day Marquis de Sade and blast Canadian Superstar Raffi's hit single, Bananaphone, straight through their skulls at 3AM until they beg for mercy.
For the budding sociopath in you, I present the most unreasonable speakers ever to live in a New York City walk up apartment: the Acoustic Research P428 PS'sesses's.
With a classy black ash vinyl veneer, chipped in some corners, these speakers will lend an air of dumpster-chic to your hovel. Featuring a 4-way design, these babies have a soft dome tweeter that I have completely resisted pushing in. The mid-range and woofer cones are in remarkably good shape. I assume that they sold their soul to the devil. At the bottom, each MDF monolith features an integrated, rear-firing subwoofer with built in amp. When you turn them on, a red led by the tweeter turns green, telling you to go. Just go. You don't want to be near these things unless you hate your eardrums.
Have I mentioned that they are loud? They are. Do not set anything fragile anywhere near them. Fuck these speakers.
Why am I getting rid of them, you ask?
They're cramping my style, man. These things take up the valuable space I need to lounge naked on my floor, drinking sherry, and ignoring my love child like a modern day Oscar Wilde as I listen to bands you haven't heard of yet at an appropriately sensitive volume.
Cash sale only. No exceptions. If you're the kind of person who wants these speakers, you're probably not the kind of person I would like to interact with for long. Because I'm a douche. And so are you.
If you're not a haggling, sentient bag of dicks, I have an older Yamaha amp that I will give or sell you for cheap. I don't need it no more, ya hear?
Edit: Holy shit, $50 cheaper because I only have people telling me they like the ad, not that they want to buy some god-damn speakers.
Bumper Stickers Seen
Bumper Stickers Seen
- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha.
- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
- Illiterate? Write for help.
- Honk if anything falls off.
- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
- This isn't my idea of a good time.
- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
- Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
- This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
- I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
- Oh, evolve!
- Gone crazy be back shortly.
- If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.