The Preacher And The Donkey

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his donkey came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time it won and the paper said:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
...They buried the bishop the next day.

Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

• Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:

• Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us (Holland Sentinal, date unknown) 
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut (The New York Times, November 22) 
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find (The Los Angeles Times, November 2)
• 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories (Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30)
• Alcohol ads promote drinking (The Hartford Courant, November 18)
• Malls try to attract shoppers (The Baltimore Sun, October 22)
• Official: Only rain will cure drought (The Herald-News. Westpost, Massachusetts)
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men (The Sunday Oregonian, September 24)
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty (Newsday, July 11)