Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

• Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:

• Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us (Holland Sentinal, date unknown) 
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut (The New York Times, November 22) 
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find (The Los Angeles Times, November 2)
• 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories (Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30)
• Alcohol ads promote drinking (The Hartford Courant, November 18)
• Malls try to attract shoppers (The Baltimore Sun, October 22)
• Official: Only rain will cure drought (The Herald-News. Westpost, Massachusetts)
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men (The Sunday Oregonian, September 24)
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty (Newsday, July 11)

Bees Pay a Visit

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Patterson, New Jersey  When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile. Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants. Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.