Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

• Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

• Bible Church's focus is the Bible.
• Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons.
• Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity.
• The Chicago Tribune, March 5 Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear.
• Journal of Commerce, April 20 Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person.
• The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 Lack of brains hinders research.
• The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart.
• Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 Fish lurk in streams.
• Rochester, New York, Democrat + Chronicle, January 29.

Missing Elephant

Zoo Keeper: "I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper: "Don't be silly, he can't read!"