Actual Product Instructions

ON A HAIRDRYER: *Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: *You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: *Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: *Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: *Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT: *Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: *Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: *Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: *Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):  *Warning: May cause drowsiness. 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: *Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: *For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: *Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: *Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: *Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: *Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Dear Ann Dilemma

Dear Ann,
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

News Travels

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?" After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion. Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.The hunter, who was surfing the web on his iPad, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to scroll down the hunter's iPad. A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the iPad, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?" From behind the iPad the gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?" Flabbergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's posted on the internet already?"