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The best jokes and joke writers!

Create a Hallmark Moment!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

  • "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
  • "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
  • "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
  • "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
  • "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
  • "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
  • "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
  • "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
  • "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
  • "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
  • "The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

End of the World Reports

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

  • USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
  • The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
  • National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
  • Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
  • Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
  • Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
  • Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
  • Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
  • Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
  • Readers Digest: 'BYE
  • Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
  • TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
  • Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
  • America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
  • Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
  • Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

Cafeteria Sign

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Real Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Actual News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

March Planned For Next August.

Blind Bishop Appointed To See.

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip.

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide.

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through.

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out.

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest.