If PCs Were Toasters

• If IBM made toasters, they would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
• If Microsoft made toasters, every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
• If Apple made toasters, it would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
• If Xerox made toasters, you could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
• If Radio Shack made toasters, the staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
• If Oracle made toasters, they'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
• If Sun made toasters, the toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
• If Hewlett-Packard made toasters, they would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
• If The Rand Corporation made toasters, it would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
• If Sony made toasters, the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
• If Fisher Price made toasters, "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
• If the Franklin Mint made toasters, every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

Cannibal Friends

Q: What did the cannibal make of her new friend?
A: A hotpot!

Lord's Prayer Deal

The pope was weighting in line at Mc Donald's for lunch. When the manager came out to have a word. The manager told the pope that McDonald's would give 5 Million dollars to the church if he some how changed the Lord's prayer to give us today our daily hamburger instead of give us today our daily bread. The pope thought for a moment then said sorry I really can't. The manager then said, "Okay how about 40 million?" The pope said, "Okay well I'll talk to my top Cardinal about it." So the pope goes and sees the Cardinal and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." The Cardinal says well lets hear the good news first. The Pope then says, "I can get the us 40 million dollars to put a church were ever they want." "The bad news is we are going to have to break the deal with Brumbies."