Great Truths About Life

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Redneck Christmas Shopping

You know you're a redneck when...
you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

Semantics

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt."