What my Mom taught me.

Things My Mom Taught Me ...
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
RELIGION -"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
TIME TRAVEL:"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
LOGIC:"Because I said so, that's why."
FORESIGHT -"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
IRONY -"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."
OSMOSIS -"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA -"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER -"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS -"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
HYPOCRISY -"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -Stop acting like your father!"
ENVY -"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

The Freaky Thing.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing). One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them. He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, "Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!"

How did I get here?

A little girl asked her mother how she got here. Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”