No Cookies For Grandpa.

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing. After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks  'Can I have one of those cigarettes?' Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt  'no'  asks  'Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies 'No , it doesn't'. 'Then, ' said grandpa, 'you aren't old enough to smoke.' Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. 'Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man. 'No, replies the boy.' 'Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply. By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks 'Does you dick reach your ass?' 'It sure does, says the old man. ''Then go fuck yourself, these are all mine!'

Frog Talk

A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog. "Of course not," says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question. "No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?" The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."

Scottish Pocket Watch

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. "That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other. "Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch. "Really?" "Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."