Country Marine

Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines:
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

Missy in Heat

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take Missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that Missy was in heat. Angela asked,  "What is heat?" Mom said, "Go ask your Dad, he's outside working on the car." Angela goes outside and ask her Dad the same question. Dad says, "Go get the leash and bring her here." She goes and gets Missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swipes her bottom with it.  "Now you can take her around the block one time." Angela goes down the street and comes back with the leash and no Missy. Dad says "Where is Missy?"  Angela said,  "Missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street."

The good, bad, and ugly!

• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
• Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
• Ugly: You're in them

• Good: Your husband understands fashion
• Bad: He's a cross-dresser
• Ugly: He looks better than you

• Good: Your son's finally maturing
• Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
• Ugly: So are you

• Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
• Bad: She keeps interrupting
• Ugly: With corrections

• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
• Bad: She wants a divorce
• Ugly: She's a lawyer

• Good: The postman's early
• Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
• Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

• Good: Your daughter got a new job
• Bad: As a hooker
• Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
• Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• Good: You're son is dating someone new
• Bad: It's another man
• Ugly: He's you're best friend

• Good: You're wife is pregnant
• Bad: It's triplets
• Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.