A Final Diagnosis

Thought I'd let my doctor check me, 'cause I didn't feel quite right. All those aches and pains annoyed me, and I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder, but he wouldn't let it rest. What, with Medicare and Blue Cross, we would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me, though I didn't feel that bad. He arranged for them to give me every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped, my aging frame displayed. Stripped, on an ice cold table, while my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites, for fungus and the crud, while they pierced me with long needles, taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over, probed and pushed and poked around. And to make sure I was living, they then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded. Their results have filled a page. What I have will someday kill me; My affliction is old age.

Gynecologist Exam

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam. After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina." The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice." The doctor says, "I didn't."

Leper at the World Series

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else.
Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move." "It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game." A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave. But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you." So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick,then what is it?" "It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."