Where's My Pen

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

Cat in the Hospital

Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital?
A: To have a cat-scan done.

A Little Old Man

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket please?" The assistant asked "Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied. The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked  "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked  "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied  "Oh you mean a clock! yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said  "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he repeated himself  "Can I have a bum please?". The assistant said  "Oh right, you mean a bun!". The old man said  "Yes that's what I said in the first place." So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked  "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?" The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."