Lazy's Medical Term

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
• "Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!"
• "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
• "Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there."
  "Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops!"
• "Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?"
• "There go the lights again?"
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
• "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
• "Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration."
• "What's this doing here?"
• "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
• "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!"
• "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
• "Sterile schmerile."
• "The floor's clean, right?"
• "OK, now take a picture from this angle."
• "This is truly a freak of nature."
• "This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
• "Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?"
• "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
• "What do you mean 'You want a divorce?!?"
• "FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
• "Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Heart Attack

A man comes home and hears hard breathing and female noises from inside the apartment.  He walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. His wife yells, "Help, help, I am having a heart attack!"
The husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."
Husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids!!!"