Medical Record Quotes

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Pre-Mammogram Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test - and best of all - you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible - and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.

New Year's Resolutions

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy!
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!