Beautiful

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is 'beautiful.' Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 'beautiful' in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
The teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
The teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"

Texas Relief

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughta help?" "Yep, reckon so," says the second. The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head, "no." "Can you speak?" he then asks. She shakes her head, "no", again. With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt. She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief. The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

Mindless

A man took his wife to the doctor. After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!" To which the man replied "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"