You're Gonna Croak!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!" She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

Constipated Indian Chief

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief. The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no shit". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief. The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor "Big shit, no chief".

Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M.
He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.  An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh!  Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.  Whoooooosh!  It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!  And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!  It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!!  Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"