Olympic Twist

An elderly Japanese man visiting Rio for the Olympics was having eye trouble.  He went to a Brazilian eye doctor to get some relief. The optometrist said to the man, "Sir, I believe you have a cataract." "Oh, no" replied the Japanese man. "I dwive a Rincon Continentaw."

What Is 18 Inches Long

Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.

The Infertile Patient

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!
"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"