Beat The Casino

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

Wit's End

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Don't Jump

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a Rail-Road trestle, about to jump off. An old homeless bloke who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO!  Get away, you dirty old man!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."