Rejected Greeting Card

I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...

Three Calamities

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"

Proper Burial

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.