We Could Have Been Here Sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

The Moment of Truth!

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart. The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say: Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go? And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying: Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon? Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says: "I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you? Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?" "That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs. I'm number four....."

Heart Attack

A man comes home and hears hard breathing and female noises from inside the apartment.  He walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. His wife yells, "Help, help, I am having a heart attack!"
The husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."
Husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids!!!"