Ed and Ted

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

Shooting Practice

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself." The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

The Irishman's Last Stand

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.
The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off." So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. "There. Now you try," he said to the Irishman.
So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground. The New Zealander said to the American: "Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!"