The Mortitian

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was approached by his assistant.  "Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian.  "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blonde came in last night. Dead of course"  "What was the cause of death", inquired the mortition.  "I'm not sure",  replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"  "Are you sure?", said the Mortitian.  "Yes, come and have a look for yourself",  said the assistant opening the body bag.  The mortitian closely examined the beautifully trimmed snatch.  "That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris".  "Are you sure?", said the assistant,  "'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

Heaven and Smoking

Q: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
A: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Hippie Concoction

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. ''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?'' ''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.'' ''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor. ''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.'' ''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''