Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies!

(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Here's a little story of a man named John, A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife... Pecker that is, Rodeoed, fillet food.
Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride, She soon got tired of her purple headed friend, And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend... Curve, that is Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back, They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there", To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air... Found, that is, By a fence, evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, So a dick-doc said "Hey, I can fix your dong!".   A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need, Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed... Whizzed, that is! Stitched seam, straight stream.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short). They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape...Video, that is, Unexposed, case closed!!

Shaquille O'Neal

If Shaquille O'neal was ...
A banana, he'd be Shaquille O'peal
A shade of blue, he'd be Shaquille O'teal
A criminal he'd be Shaquille O'steal
Overly emotional he'd be Shaquille O'feel

Hillary's Early Morning

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 a.m.?
A: To make sure she's the First Lady.