E.T. Welcome

Q: What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
A: Where on Earth have you been?

David Copperfield and His Wife

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick? "I will," replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."  "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.  He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.  David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"  The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic!"

DiCaprio ID

A black man finds Leonardo DiCaprio's wallet on the ground. Some days later he's stopped by the police while driving erratically on the interstate. They asked him for his ID and he hands them the one he found. The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud, "First Name: Leonardo, last name: DiCaprio." He looks at the driver, a bit perplexed. "Hair: blonde, eyes: blue." Looks at him again. Then the cop called his partner and asked, "Hey Bob, did the Titanic sink or burn?"