Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Talking Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartender just frowns and says, "Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar."  The owner retorts, "But this is no ordinary dog." The bartender doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.  The owner protests, "Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog."  The bartender says, "Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?" 
The owner says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will."  So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartender start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartender starts to really like this dog. They are talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartender comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, "Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?" The dog says, "No problem", and gets up and leaves.The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartender explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.  Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, "Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?" To which the dog replies, "Because I have never had $20 before."

Success Drink

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another drink.