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Bar Jokes
Who's Got a Bigger Crotch?
There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me." The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me." The third lady slid down the bar stool.
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The Local District Judge
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drinking. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?", asked the Judge, surprised by the man's responsed. "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
14. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7. Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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