Scottish Builder

A Scottish old timer is in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. The 0ld Man speaks, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"  Then the old man gestured at the bar.  "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"  Then the old man points out the window.  "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"  Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

Angry Barmaid

Q:  How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
A: When you find a string in your bloody mary.

Bar Chat

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation. He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress ..."
"Look pal, I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope.."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom, "I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk. That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about," replies the barkeep.
"Great. Go screw yourself."