Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Doggy Style

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. The driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn. "Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggy style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggy style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita, and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great, but it took me 6 margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Wrong Bus

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"