Flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a loud, blood- curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in.  You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Dads in a Bar

Two dads walk into a bar...
One turns to the other and says, "that hurt."

No Outside Food Allowed

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says, ''Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here.'' So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.