Costume Party

A self-conscious bald man with a peg leg is invited to a costume party. The shop owner at the costume shop shows him a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will show off my peg leg." Next, the shop owner brings out a monk costume. The man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will show off my bald head." The annoyed shop owner returns with a five-pound bag of caramels and says, "Take these home, melt them, pour them all on your head, stick that peg leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple."

Two Left Feet

Q: What did the guy born with two left feet wear to the beach?
A: Flip Flips

Use as Directed

Q: What happened when the guy used hairspray on his moustache?
A: He got a stiff upper-lip.