Momma Bear

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!  "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?  Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?," he roars!  Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"  "It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish." "And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence,listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time..."I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"

Bunny Soft Sex

Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.

You Might Be A Redneck 56

You might be a redneck if...

• The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
• You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
• You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
• You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
• You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
• You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
• Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
• Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
• You have to stop a leak in your flat-bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
• You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.