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Animal Jokes - Bird Jokes
Collector
We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.
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My Foot
|After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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A Brazilian Parrot
A middle-aged man receives a Brazilian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is, "Hey bitch how much for a handjob." She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, our friend is visited by his mother. The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend receives a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stand no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge. The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?" he sternly said. All the parrot can say is, "I sure have. I just have one question. What the fuck happened to the chicken?"
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