Moonshine

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again," The wife told her husband.
"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

New Alcohol Labeling Laws

Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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