Alcoholics With the Police

Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror. Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps. Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking. Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and did the same.
The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?" Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep," said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on y'all's forehead?"
Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."

What Is A Breathalyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drank way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

Bouncer Trouble

“If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?”