Driving Home Very Drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A Redneck Oil Change

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench. Cuss and complain.
31. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
32. Beer.
33. Beer.
34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
35. Beer.
36. Lower car from jack stands
37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
38. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
39. Test drive car.
40. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
41. Car gets impounded.
42. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337

Top 12 Ways to go to Jail

Drink too much this holiday?  Here are the top 12 things NOT to say if pulled over:
12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
1. Hold my beer, watch this...