Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program". 
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club... and "she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet.

Tasered At The Airport

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

Helpful Advice For Travellers

If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you because... what are the odds of two guys being on the same plane at the same time with a bomb?