The Secret to Stopping the Cats

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

The Vet Delivers

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip, so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third, and the first two went really easily."
The vet agreed, and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good. Mrs. Jones had her baby. It was an 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem. I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

Sick Dog

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says, "Say ahhh!" The man looks at the vet and says, "The dog can't speak. "The vet says to the man, "I was talking to YOU. The dog's dead!!"