Trial of the Century

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
 
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom!
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.
PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permission to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.(Laughter.)JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way.
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what "DNA" stands for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!(Another murmer runs through the court.)
GUN: BANG!
BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot...
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?

Choo Choo

Roy Rogers gets a brand new pair of cowboy boots. He leaves them out on the porch of his ranch house and, in the morning, discovers they’ve been gnawed by a mountain lion. Roy grabs a rifle and his horse and goes out to kill the varmint. Three hours later Roy’s back with a dead mountain lion tied across his saddle. A ranch-hand goes up to him and says, “Pardon me , Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

Filing An Appeal

The lawyer had come to the State Prison to visit his client, who had recently been sentenced by the court to life imprisonment for a particularly hideous crime. He was seated in the visiting room across the table from his prisoner-client, explaining the various legal procedures he had followed. " I have filed an appeal in the lower court, and that was denied," he explained. "Then I filed an appeal in the State Supreme Court. That was denied. Next, I filed an appeal in the Federal District Court, which was denied. And as a last resort, last week I filed an appeal with the United States Supreme Court-and that has been denied." " But there must be something else we can file!" exclaimed the frantic prisoner. "There is only one more thing," confined the attorney. He cautiously took an iron rod out of his briefcase and slipped it to the prisoner. "The only thing left to file," he said, "are the bars of your cell!"