Impatient

Doctor: How many drinks do you have in a week?
Patient: I don't know, I'm an alcoholic not a fucking accountant

Harry Butt

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house. She called it Harrybutt. She had a child and named in Crack. She lost Crack and couldn't find him. So she called the police and said, "I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my Crack!"

Programmer's Wife

A programmers wife asks him to run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.