Undertaker

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

After the Fact

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up.
“What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

Court Rules

A young man is in court. He's driving everyone mad with his loud and incessant chewing. The judge looks over and says "For the love of God man would you stop masticating"
To which he replies in a panicked voice "I wasn't, I wasn't, I swear, I just had my hands in my pockets"