Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter

1. The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.
2. BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
3. Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
4. Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
5. Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
6. You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
7. Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.
8. No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.
9. Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.
10. Flashers stick to describing themselves.
11. Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.
12. When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.
13. With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
14. The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!
15. Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

Ice Fishing Luck

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite. He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye! This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?" The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm." "What," asked the old man? Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm." Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

Three Eskimos in Alaska

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won.