You Know You're From California When...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
You were born somewhere else
You know how to eat an artichoke
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
Your car has bulletproof windows
Left is right and right is wrong
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
Your mouse has only one ball
If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
You drive to your neighborhood block party
Your family tree contains "significant others"
Your dog has its own psychiatrist
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
More than clothes come out of the closets
"The Dead" are best live
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
Smoking in your office is not optional
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
You consult your horoscope before planning your day
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery

Man Killed Repairing Truck

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995 Kalamazoo Gazette --
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could find the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Driver's Test

Q: What do they give you in New Mexico if you fail your driver's test?
A: Yellow plates.