Signs You Are Out of College:

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if...

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant

10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he's just written "Huh?"
9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.
8. He tends to whimper and say, "Numbers are hard!"
7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.
6. He swears "umpteen" is a real number.
5. He checks off the box for "joint filing," then lights one up.
4. He keeps insisting, "No, you're wrong! They're due on August 15th!"
3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.
2. After every number on your tax form, he's written "or so."
1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.