Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant

10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he's just written "Huh?"
9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.
8. He tends to whimper and say, "Numbers are hard!"
7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.
6. He swears "umpteen" is a real number.
5. He checks off the box for "joint filing," then lights one up.
4. He keeps insisting, "No, you're wrong! They're due on August 15th!"
3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.
2. After every number on your tax form, he's written "or so."
1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.

Olympic city bribery

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweating gravy.