Light Bulb - USENETers

Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!

Printer Woes

Don't ever let your ink-jet printer know that you waited till the last minute to print something urgent. 
They can sense fear.

Great News for Bill Gates

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."