Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC? Answer: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them? Can't you hear them screaming?! Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you pig!

Computer Like Britney Spears

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance, They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online, Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS, Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS, If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules, And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short, Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock, It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play, As they slashed away at what subscribers pay, And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own, And dial-ins click on a rolling phone, But that's not how it used to be, When the mogul came to Virginia court, With an OS icon and a browser port, And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down, The mogul stole his thorny crown, The browser war was turned. Mozilla... was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond, With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards, And stole a million credit cards, To use accounts he'd gotten free, And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Board watch a little lie, That hackers wanted child pornography, But while Steve Case was looking down, The hackers pulled his e-mail down, They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs, At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter, The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free, Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. aol-sucks. "Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot." "If AOL treats you like the Borg, Then visit aolsucks.org Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee, And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when, Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page, My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No "Welcome" born in hell could ring that chatroom bell. And as chat freaks cried into the night, CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9, And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge, To see what loyalty I could scrounge, But Room Host said the members went away... And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.