The 24 BBS Commandments

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
5. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
6. Thou shalt use the English language properly.
7. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
8. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
9. Thou shalt help other users.
10. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
11. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
12. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
13. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
14. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and
15. thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
16. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
17. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
18. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
19. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
20. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
21. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
22. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
23. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
24. Thou shalt not hack.

Computer Sale

Q: Why did the musician sell his computer?
A: Not enough gigs.

Purchasing Furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them: Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea. You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's great, we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
Customer: But how do I get there?
You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
(And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:)
Customer: All I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so complicated?