I am Saint Lucas

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.  At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered. 'Im not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.'

A Blonde School Counselor

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. The counselor approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, she said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?". "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie."

Top 10 - Soccer vs. Sex

10. Balls are always checked for firmness
9. Periods only last 45 minutes
8. Parents cheer when you score
7. Soccer is a legal profession
6. Protective equipment can be washed and reused
5. Size doesn't matter
4. If you get too rough you get a red card
3. You can score using your head or your feet
2. Lasts a full 90 minutes
1. You can juggle your balls in front of your mother