10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Joe Gone Golfing

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted. Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

Ten Best Caddy Responses

• 10: Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"
   
• 9: Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."
   
• 8: Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
   
• 7: Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
   
• 6: Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
   
• 5: Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
   
• 4: Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
   
• 3: Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
   
• 2: Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago sir."
   
• And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."